…But if it’s obvious, I shouldn’t need to explain it because you should already know it…
How many times have I heard this statement, and I confess that many times I said it myself before entering the world of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) and Neuro-Semantics (NS). This phrase exemplifies a lot of the ignorance of how we humans operate and, worse still, how leaders operate within organizations.
I am going to speak from my personal experience because, as I mentioned before, I suffered from this ignorance and on many occasions, it bothered me, even made me angry, because I received responses from my collaborators that made me think it was obvious what I expected from them and therefore I shouldn’t waste time going into many details. In my mind, I told myself that they should already know this or, if they used their good judgment, they should deduce it. So, how many times did I find myself in situations where, already upset, I gave new more detailed instructions because the appropriate procedure had not been followed or the ideal decision had not been made for the situation.
How many productive hours did I waste on rework generated by not taking the time the first time to explain my expectations in detail! And if we add the discomfort caused to the person I was leading and to myself personally, triggering high levels of stress for both. In NLP, I learned 20 premises that have now become part of my way of understanding life. For the case mentioned above, I will elaborate on the following:
- The response you get is the meaning of the quality of your communication. This tells us that the only way to know what I say is for the other person to tell me what they understood. This allows me to adjust the information I transmit because I realize that I probably missed some relevant detail on the subject, which I did not mention but my mind believes I did. It may sound incoherent but I have learned that we speak but are not fully aware that what we think is not entirely said and the other person understands what we say and completes the idea from their own interpretations. So, what happens? Each one is seeing something different in their mind and we are not understanding each other.
- The map is not the territory and everyone responds according to their own map and not reality itself. This premise has taught me so much because I have learned that each person lives from their internal world interacting with the external world. Throughout our lives, we are programmed with the experiences we live, what our parents, teachers, in short, all those figures who represent authority in some way teach us, and we believe them consciously but even more so unconsciously. We incorporate into our neurology beliefs and meanings about everything we live and use them as our frames of reference in everything we think and do. It has taught me that only I think and understand what I think and understand, no one else. Each person interprets what they live in their best way. Another thing it has taught me is that the more I live and learn, the more I “enrich my map”, therefore, what I know, the other person, in this case, those I lead, doesn’t necessarily have to know. Those of us who hold leadership positions have already gone through experiences that make us think that this is “obvious” but our collaborators have not.
I could extend more but I stick with these premises that have allowed me to be more empathetic, more patient and avoid unnecessary discomforts because I take responsibility for assuming what I said or did not say, so my collaborator understands me. Many times it takes courage and humility to recognize that I was the one who was not precise in the instructions, but as I practice it, I realize it is worth it.
I hope I have expressed myself clearly and left you with a message for your reflection.